What's "Community" Even Mean?

& how to define it for yourself so you know what it is you're even looking for.

I had a 1:1 call (well 1:2 as it was a couple) a few weeks ago. I’ve stopped offering these simply because it was hard to fit them into my schedule but these guys reached out directly and asked all the questions I’m always eager to answer.

So, we found a time and had the chat.

We talked about a lot of different topics, mainly helping them narrow where in the world could be a good fit for them, but one of the big things they were trying to find is ✨community✨.

This is probably one of the things I think about most as someone who is constantly bouncing from one country to another, yet staying long enough to settle into each. It’s where most of my anxiety for each move comes from: will I find my people here?

Only a few months ago I realized that the idea of community wasn’t the same for Raf (my husband) and me. And this is after nearly 9 years of traveling/moving around together. When we were deciding where in Italy we wanted to buy an apartment, we both knew we wanted a good sense of community but realized that definition was different for us both.

Yes, both of us were focused on the people that surround us but not in the same way.

To me, my idea of community is both big and small. Before moving abroad, I enjoyed having a big group of friends. I liked being the one that could bounce from one group to another but, after I moved for the first time, I realized that really I just need 1 good girlfriend and I’m happy as can be.

So, really, my best friend is my community. That’s the small sense of the word.

In the bigger sense though, I want a place that feels alive, where the neighbors know each other, the market runs on the weekend, and the barista at the coffee shop remembers Bandido’s name. I don’t need them to know my name or to even hang out with me but I do like the sensation that we’re in this together and we at least recognize each other’s faces.

To Raf though, his idea of community is highly specific. It means people that share his same interests. He doesn’t just want any friend, he wants them to share his hobbies. I know he likes it that at our grocery store people now shout, “Bandido!” when we walk in the door but it doesn’t mean as much to him as it does to me. Specifically, he wants to know that wherever he lives there are people that he can play video games and music with.

I’m looking more for a feeling; while he’s looking chasing something concrete. I don’t really care if my best friend wants to hike, snowboard, or knit with me, so long as we have some shared interests and have the same sense of humor.

The reason I bring this up is because I think most of us tend to put “sense of community” on our wish list when moving abroad but don’t go any farther to know what that really means to us personally.

Honestly, if you’re looking for something specific, it tends to be easier. In the case of Raf, we went in-person to the video game stores and found one that offers weekly tournaments. We also popped into the music shop to ask about live music and they pointed him to the recording studio that’s always looking for musicians to join bands. The small town I was dreaming of surprised us both my having the specific community Raf was after, making it easier for him to give his seal of approval on the place.

It was pretty simple to say, “I’m looking for X” and to see if a place has it.

For people like me, it’s really a lot more trial and error. That said, with a more emotional focus, that means it’s a bit more in your control. You can try and try again to find your bestie and also know that you can be a repeat customer at multiple places until one recognizes your dog as the star he is.

Neither are easy, as they do take you “putting yourself out there” which is truly terrifying, especially when there’s a language barrier. But by narrowing down your definition, you’ll be more in control of finding what it is you’re looking for.

I’ll leave you with this to ponder and next week I’ll pick a fight with relying on the expat bubble as your community.

If you have a different definition of what this means to you - let us know in the comments!

Until then,

Kat